Podcast Details
The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.
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Episodes
575 episodes
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‘I can lie – very easily – but not when it comes to rugby’
06:33 • Nov 5, 2021 -
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The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matches
06:18 • May 20, 2023 -
Camino Royale: an exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O’Carroll-Kelly book
12:36 • Aug 15, 2023 -
‘You’re going to need to find another sucker – Mother’s Day or no Mother’s Day’
05:42 • Mar 9, 2018 -
'I’m having a slash when in walks Santa, and all my Christmases come at once'
06:18 • Dec 16, 2022 -
‘I wonder sometimes are these kids definitely mine’
06:30 • Jul 15, 2022 -
The old man wants to build Trump’s Mexican wall
06:02 • Feb 3, 2017 -
'Do you mean there’s going to be, like, girls going to Castlerock?'
06:23 • Mar 19, 2022 -
‘I know none of us should be travelling - but Fock it’
06:37 • Jul 24, 2020 -
Joe Wicks goes, ‘That’s our warm-up completed.’ I’m already focked
06:14 • Apr 17, 2020 -
‘I want you to flirt with the girl on the reception desk’
05:47 • Feb 7, 2020 -
‘We should have maybe hired a professional jockey’
05:49 • Jan 3, 2020 -
'Your daughter is malevolent, belligerent and discourteous'
06:20 • Apr 21, 2017 -
I’m getting the tattoo of J-Lowe, a late 40th birthday present to myself
05:56 • Feb 17, 2023 -
‘Her ex worked as a risk assessor for an insurance company. I call him Love Actuary’
06:05 • Sep 16, 2016 -
RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 4
07:49 • Aug 29, 2016 -
Christmas is a time of year when, er… you get loads of stuff
06:03 • Nov 27, 2015 -
‘A co-educational school has never won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup!’
06:27 • Mar 26, 2022 -
I’m like Cersei Lannister – refusing to leave the throne
06:37 • Jun 11, 2021 -
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‘Tag rugby is, like, speed dating for South Dublin people’
05:59 • Jul 27, 2018 -
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‘This is my actual Dad, Ross. He’s a kind of fat rugby has-been’
05:59 • Sep 29, 2017 -
‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me
06:03 • Jan 17, 2025 -
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‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’
06:02 • Apr 8, 2024 -
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‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’
06:23 • Apr 22, 2024 -
‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’
06:23 • Mar 29, 2024 -
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‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’
06:27 • Jan 10, 2025 -
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‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’
06:10 • Oct 11, 2024 -
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Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’
06:40 • Jul 26, 2024 -
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Some things are more important than family. Rugby happens to be one of them
06:01 • Sep 19, 2023 -
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Camino Royale: the second exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book
09:58 • Aug 16, 2023 -
"Honor says she’s not getting the Covid vaccine"
05:53 • Aug 20, 2021 -
"Sorcha did Fake Sincerity as an extracurricular subject in Mount Anville"
Season 1 • 06:11 • Sep 18, 2021 -
"First day in Willow Pork for the triplets – the absolute shame of it"
Season 1 • 06:04 • Sep 11, 2021 -
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‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’
06:02 • Nov 8, 2024 -
‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’
05:50 • Nov 1, 2024 -
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Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’
06:11 • Jun 28, 2024 -
Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’
06:30 • Jun 21, 2024 -
‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’
06:23 • Jun 7, 2024 -
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‘What does being Johnny Sexton’s hype man involve exactly, Dad?’
06:13 • Oct 6, 2023 -
‘I genuinely don’t think I’m ready to be a Blackrock dad’
Season 1 • 05:56 • Aug 27, 2021 -
Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak
07:01 • Mar 15, 2025 -
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‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’
06:22 • Nov 29, 2024 -
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Camino Royale: the final exclusive excerpt from the new Ross O'Carroll-Kelly book
15:59 • Aug 17, 2023 -
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‘Honor, there has to be a better way of trying to save the planet than this’
06:37 • Aug 12, 2023 -
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‘A chap taught me how to hot-wire a cor this morning,’ the old man goes
06:25 • Aug 25, 2023 -
Dude, you’re not allowed to just, like, shoot seagulls
06:19 • Aug 4, 2023 -
"My fingers are actually shaking as I type my exam number into the laptop"
Season 1 • 06:26 • Sep 4, 2021 -
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‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’
06:09 • Jan 3, 2025 -
I’m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimes
06:30 • Aug 18, 2023 -
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Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag
06:11 • Aug 23, 2024 -
‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’
06:29 • Aug 9, 2024 -
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‘Goys – it’s time that I got the tattoo’
06:33 • May 24, 2024 -
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‘Oh my God, is this really all the books that we own as a family? I’m so ashamed’
07:08 • Dec 15, 2023 -
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These are going to be our Family Date Nights
05:41 • Jan 8, 2016 -
Ross O'Carroll Kelly (June 20th - 2)
06:27 • Jun 22, 2015 -
‘The two of us listen to them roaring at each other’
05:57 • Dec 29, 2016 -
I've got to stop thinking about my old man as an ATM
06:18 • Jul 31, 2015 -
‘If you bought a gaff in Tenerife, they'd say they bought one in Elevenerife’
06:21 • Sep 23, 2015 -
‘Look, the recession was a fluke. No one knows why it happened, just that it did’
05:49 • May 19, 2017 -
Operation Trumpsformation: The Old Man's Vision for A New Ireland
05:46 • Sep 22, 2017 -
‘People need to realise ‘Room to Improve’ is just a TV show. It’s not reality’
05:35 • Apr 6, 2018 -
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‘Oh my God, it’s Christmas – and we’ve just been told there’s no room at the Inn’
05:54 • Dec 22, 2017 -
‘Rugby is not pass the porcel, Morcus’
06:13 • May 14, 2021 -
‘Get in before they change their minds and haul your orse back to jail’
06:23 • Apr 9, 2021 -
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"Three triplets and only one can be a mascot for Leinster. Who will it be?"
07:41 • May 27, 2022 -
‘Ugly right-wing views? Is this about my letter to The Irish Times?’
06:09 • Feb 1, 2019 -
''Fock England!’ they shouted as we passed actual England supporters'
06:03 • Feb 8, 2019 -
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‘Goys, does Ronan look like he’s actually in control of that horse?’
05:41 • Dec 13, 2019 -
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My son’s nickname is Manslaughter.
06:10 • Nov 6, 2015 -
I’ve tried my best not to love my son any less since he storted wearing glasses
05:42 • Jul 5, 2019 -
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Now I’m doing something that I never do, doubting myself
05:48 • Mar 10, 2023 -
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'Already I feel like I’ve created a team in my image – in other words, winners'
05:51 • Oct 14, 2022 -
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‘Honor is pacing in front of the cage, glowering at 200 terrified kids’
06:28 • Sep 2, 2016 -
‘You’re a dirty dog. And I can’t tell you how proud that makes me feel’
06:05 • Oct 13, 2016 -
When she was born, the midwife smacked her orse and Sorcha fake-smiled her back
06:11 • Nov 11, 2016 -
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The Gord goes: ‘Do you ever inquire as to what your daughter gets up to online?’
06:01 • Feb 3, 2018 -
‘I’m with The Girls. We’re getting along like doughnuts and Blanchardstown’
06:02 • Oct 12, 2018 -
Honor has suddenly started to think about environmental issues ... but why?
06:12 • Jun 29, 2019 -
‘We’re going to miss the Easter Bonnet Parade in Dalkey’
05:55 • Apr 19, 2019 -
‘You’re a Montessori teacher. A babysitter with good insurance cover’
05:59 • May 17, 2019 -
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‘I’ve storted a rumour Matt Damon wants to build a house on Coliemore road’
06:23 • Nov 20, 2020 -
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‘Do Dry January? That’s crazy talk’
06:21 • Jan 1, 2021 -
‘I will never forgive your old pair for treating us to this trip’
06:48 • Apr 23, 2022 -
‘The turkey shuffles into the room and jumps onto the sofa beside me’
06:05 • Dec 21, 2016 -
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Our daughter is completely devoid of human feeling
07:44 • Jul 8, 2022 -
‘Priced out of Killiney? That’s what you get for choosing an orts degree!’
05:55 • May 4, 2018 -
Operation Trumpsformation: Honor, The True Heir to The O'Carroll-Kelly Rugby Name
12:14 • Sep 23, 2017 -
Ross goes to Electric Picnic: “I’m not staying in a focking tent”
05:49 • Sep 4, 2015 -
Don’t be frightened, it’s just latex and make-up – but you can call her Granny
06:00 • Nov 7, 2016 -
RO'CK: It's here. A day I thought I'd never see
05:48 • Sep 12, 2015 -
These apartments will be so small, there won’t be room for two people to break wind
06:25 • Jan 15, 2016 -
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They’ll have to rename it ‘Don’t Tell the Bride I Did the Dirt on Her Again’
05:32 • Feb 10, 2017 -
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"We need a name that says it’s for welfare cheats”
06:12 • Jul 7, 2017 -
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‘I suddenly feel like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society’
05:52 • Aug 31, 2018 -
‘If white collar crime is a crime, then why does no one ever go to jail for it?’
05:23 • Oct 6, 2017 -
'Believe me,’ Honor goes, ‘she’ll thank us for this in the long run’
05:46 • Oct 20, 2017 -
‘It’s 500 yoyos to secure a seat, non-refundable in the event of cancellation’
06:08 • Mar 23, 2018 -
‘I’ve chosen Vladimir for my Confirmation name. After Vladimir Putin’
05:19 • Mar 30, 2018 -
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'Are you suggesting I pretend to have Covid?’
06:34 • Jul 23, 2021 -
"Limerick’s definitely been tidied up a bit since ‘Angela’s Ashes"
06:03 • Sep 21, 2018 -
‘I’m entitled to know why taxi drivers seem to think so little of me’
05:57 • Jan 25, 2019 -
‘I had no idea how difficult being a Mount Anville mom was going to be’
06:19 • Sep 28, 2018 -
'I shan't be moving. I've got a full stomach and an empty bladder'
05:57 • Dec 7, 2018 -
‘Croia called me a Gender Binarist because of my Goys and Dolls party’
06:30 • Dec 28, 2018 -
‘I’m just saying that our kids are three little yobs’
05:54 • Apr 12, 2019 -
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'It’s off to Budapest for Dr Holger Esterházy’s miracle hair restoration treatment'
06:31 • Mar 12, 2022 -
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‘Rugby banter is taking a dump in someone’s shoes’
06:07 • May 21, 2021 -
‘The pressure of being the cool parent ends up being too much’
06:44 • Jan 8, 2021 -
"Wuthering Heights is basically the story of my life"
05:45 • Feb 19, 2021 -
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‘We can’t just dump all our rubbish in the front gorden, Sorcha'
05:59 • Feb 26, 2021 -
Sometimes you have to break the Mount Anville code
06:53 • Jun 24, 2022 -
‘We want to build a block of aportments... affordable ones’
06:51 • May 20, 2022 -
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: doing a hard sell on Inchicore as an estate agent
05:53 • Apr 8, 2016 -
‘We’re not going to eat the banana bread. We’re going to give it to the neighbours’
06:12 • Apr 10, 2020 -
As one girl puts it, ‘Send him back to Google in a focking wheelchair’
12:24 • Aug 23, 2019 -
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If you can do it on the upper deck of a no 40 bus
05:50 • Oct 2, 2015 -
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‘Are any of you familiar with Countdown?’ Of course they are – they were in UCD
05:52 • Jun 10, 2016 -
It turns out that I’m not as blue-blooded as I thought
06:03 • May 11, 2018 -
I’m the most high-profile Irish rugby player who never got the Leaving?’
05:43 • Jan 5, 2018 -
‘The O’Carroll-Kelly Saliva Stakes is the closest thing we have to live sport now’
06:30 • Mar 20, 2020 -
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‘How dare they leave out the hyphen?’
06:25 • Aug 30, 2019 -
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I actually love women. If that makes me a feminist, then so be it.
05:12 • Dec 14, 2015 -
She might have fitted into the dress on our wedding day, but now, well..'
05:32 • May 20, 2016 -
RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 1
08:40 • Aug 29, 2016 -
‘There are millions of people who would give their right orm to live in Killiney’
07:03 • May 13, 2022 -
Seedless in Seattle Extract Two
07:34 • Sep 14, 2015 -
“Do you want to be the fedda puking his ring up on the soyud of the road?
05:30 • Jul 1, 2016 -
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‘You can’t fire me as a godparent. I resign’
05:54 • Aug 9, 2019 -
‘Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara taught me how to drink a Mortini in three mouthfuls’
06:39 • Jul 17, 2021 -
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (May 23rd)
06:30 • Jun 11, 2015 -
‘Did you hear that, Shadden? George Clooney is one of Hennessy’s neighbours!’
06:28 • Sep 9, 2016 -
‘Are you saying you want me to be one of those stay-in-bed fathers?’
05:42 • Jun 8, 2018 -
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (June 6th)
06:08 • Jun 11, 2015 -
People are chanting, "Co'ck for Taoiseach!"
06:03 • Aug 28, 2015 -
Has she been drinking or is she still pissed from last night?
05:38 • Jan 2, 2016 -
‘If at first you don’t succeed, it’s a pretty good indication you’re never going to’
05:29 • Apr 29, 2016 -
Of course Santa exists – who do you think drinks all the Heineken?
06:21 • Nov 19, 2021 -
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‘Sorcha says the words that every rugby father dreads’
05:48 • Jun 8, 2019 -
'Me and the goys are thinking of buying a horse'
06:22 • Nov 8, 2019 -
‘We’re going to be doing what I call, Maths Through Rugby’
06:10 • May 24, 2019 -
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‘I just shake my head... The dirty dog. The filthy hypocrite’
06:32 • Feb 21, 2020 -
‘75? What on earth makes you think I’m 75?’
06:53 • Jan 22, 2021 -
‘I urge you all – standing here, in the People’s Pork – to remove your masks!’
07:08 • Mar 12, 2021 -
'I just assumed quarantine wouldn’t affect people like us'
07:18 • Apr 17, 2021 -
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘We may need to cuff him when we get to Lapland’
06:21 • Dec 6, 2019 -
‘You can’t end a relationship with someone by climbing out the window’
06:07 • Nov 7, 2020 -
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‘Honor was actually conceived in this cor?’ ‘We should push it off a cliff’
06:27 • Oct 26, 2018 -
‘Our bogey group should be lactose-intolerant Border-county cyclists’
06:12 • Nov 16, 2018 -
‘I’m sorry but that’s where this Santa Claus draws the line’
05:57 • Dec 14, 2018 -
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I hate my father-in-law the same way dogs hate lampposts
06:21 • Jan 17, 2020 -
‘Ross, how would you like to make love to a woman with grey hair?’
06:14 • May 2, 2020 -
‘Ronan showed me how to light a fire and make it look like an accident’
06:44 • Jul 9, 2021 -
‘This is killing me, Sorcha. I feel about as useful as a focking Orts degree’
06:17 • Jan 14, 2022 -
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'All these early morning matches are taking their toll on me'
05:52 • Oct 4, 2019 -
‘The dude pats me down to make sure I’m not packing heat’
06:17 • Aug 16, 2019 -
'The Lambo my old man gave Ro is having a strange effect on him'
05:40 • May 31, 2019 -
‘No, Sorcha. I’m going to Japan. The team needs me’
06:50 • Oct 11, 2019 -
‘Johnny actual Sexton is at the front door’
06:19 • Oct 16, 2020 -
‘I’ll throw on my nudey lady borbecue apron’
06:10 • Jun 18, 2021 -
Schmidt Happens: Excerpt Two
10:33 • Aug 28, 2019 -
‘We’re having a fancy dress porty and I’m going as the wife of a philanderer’
06:36 • Jun 5, 2020 -
‘We’ll be eating soup in Drizzle Mór while everyone else is sipping pina coladas’
06:01 • Jul 18, 2020 -
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Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘No one goes to lectures before Christmas’
05:57 • Sep 23, 2016 -
“ It feels like you’re.”“What?” “I’m going to use the phrase ‘pimping me out’.”
05:50 • Sep 30, 2016 -
JP’s dad won’t be able to show his face in Doheny & Nesbitt’s again
06:19 • May 27, 2016 -
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'Honor isn’t for everyone. She takes after her old man in that regord'
06:02 • Nov 25, 2022 -
We’re a father and daughter vaping away to beat the band, properly bonding
06:12 • Mar 31, 2023 -
‘I’m the best estate agent you have – and that’s not me being big-headed’
05:05 • Jun 1, 2018 -
‘I recognise the look instantly. One cheater knows another’
06:27 • Mar 6, 2020 -
‘A convicted criminal is what this female student person called me!’
05:51 • Feb 15, 2019 -
‘I swear on my children’s lives I’ve had no contact with Peter Casey’
06:52 • Nov 23, 2018 -
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‘I know HR is an actual thing now, but to me it’s like homeopathy or dinosaurs'
05:34 • Nov 10, 2017 -
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One day, there’s going to be a Leinster Schools Senior Cup… for girls!
06:14 • Feb 10, 2023 -
‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dear
06:14 • May 26, 2023 -
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‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’
06:28 • Jan 23, 2026 -
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‘We’re not a priority for the vaccine.’ ‘Even though we’re rich?’
05:54 • Mar 20, 2021 -
‘Samuel Beckett’s a writer. He wrote Waiting for Bobo’
06:28 • Feb 28, 2020 -
‘I dedicate each sit-up to someone who’s done me wrong over the years’
06:17 • Mar 29, 2019 -
The old man takes his truth bus to UCD’s snowflakes
06:13 • Mar 1, 2019 -
'A chill goes through my body as I notice her - get this - kissing an actual boy'
05:27 • Aug 17, 2018 -
‘If she’s never met a brat like Honor before, she mustn’t be from around here’
05:40 • May 25, 2018 -
Grab It, Trouser It and Leg It – a proper name for an estate agent
05:57 • Feb 16, 2018 -
‘To my ears, Irish always sounds like someone is hurting a Norwegian’
06:03 • Jan 12, 2018 -
‘The anaesthetist is a total knockout – no pun intended’
06:07 • Aug 18, 2017 -
‘Is Honor double-bluffing me? Or is she double-double bluffing me?’
05:47 • Jul 14, 2017 -
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I’m surrounded by people who keep me grounded. I wish they’d focking stop
06:14 • Feb 3, 2023 -
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‘No focking way. I’m not breaking into the dude’s office’
06:46 • Jul 22, 2022 -
Women’s toilets? I mean, what’s next? A hockey pitch?
07:13 • May 6, 2022 -
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'Johnny goes, "My daddy says we’re going to eat a reindeer"'
06:45 • Nov 26, 2021 -
'My children are storting to grow on me'
06:27 • Oct 8, 2021 -
'Then she says it – the words all south Dublin parents dread'
06:25 • May 7, 2021 -
‘Netflix is port of the conspiracy! A form of methadone’
06:31 • Mar 5, 2021 -
‘Have you seen the chemtrails over Foxrock this morning?’
06:29 • Feb 5, 2021 -
‘Honor has been, like, homeschooling me’
06:20 • Jan 15, 2021 -
‘How much moo are we talking – for, like, midnight Mass in, say, Foxrock?’
06:44 • Dec 11, 2020 -
‘Where is Flavian Way, anyway? It actually sounds more Glenageary than Dalkey?’
06:46 • Nov 7, 2020 -
‘I’ve never been much of a conversationalist, but I’m on fire with this woman’
06:05 • Sep 26, 2020 -
This is still the Vico Road. Pandemic or no pandemic
06:02 • Aug 28, 2020 -
We’re not American. This is how people from south Dublin talk?
06:44 • Jul 31, 2020 -
‘Sorcha has an – I think it’s a word – alterior motive for the Zoom call’
06:11 • Apr 24, 2020 -
‘Is anyone going to own up to this Kris Kindle? Is this some kind of joke?’
05:47 • Dec 24, 2019 -
‘Tubs sees the boys then and – in fairness – he gives them the benefit of the doubt’
06:30 • Nov 29, 2019 -
'The dude goes, The horse is a maniac. He's the maddest animal I've ever seen'
06:24 • Nov 22, 2019 -
‘It’s supposed to be like Quinta do Lago – except outside it’s Ballymahon’
06:09 • Nov 1, 2019 -
"It absolutely kills me to say this, but people hate our kids"
05:48 • Oct 25, 2019 -
A south Dublin borbecue – what could possibly go wrong?
06:31 • Aug 2, 2019 -
‘You found 10 bags of cocaine and you go to the police?’
06:10 • Jul 20, 2019 -
'What the fock are you doing in a red Lambo?'
06:03 • Apr 26, 2019 -
‘I’m now a member of nine Mount Anville WhatsApp groups'
06:54 • Nov 9, 2018 -
Dancing with The Tsars Excerpt #2
11:04 • Sep 5, 2018 -
Dancing with The Tsars Excerpt #3
07:31 • Sep 6, 2018 -
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‘I can sense Sorcha tensing up when Honor is asked, “Do you reject Satan?”’
06:16 • Apr 20, 2018 -
‘Bouncy castles attract undesirables. They’re not for People Like Us’
06:09 • Mar 16, 2018 -
‘We’re from South Dublin – none of us want to work for anything’
05:41 • Jan 26, 2018 -
‘There could be anything in there: a gun, €100k in cash, one of her teachers gagged’
06:01 • Sep 17, 2017 -
‘It’s the Vico Road. Do you think anyone around here cleans their own gaff?’
05:25 • Sep 1, 2017 -
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‘We’re southsiders,’ I tell her. ‘We don’t really do feuds’
06:01 • Jun 16, 2017 -
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‘It’s the Celtic Phoenix, Sorcha. People are thankfully being stupid again’
06:14 • Mar 3, 2017 -
"The Dublin accent was invented to allow criminals to talk to each other"
06:12 • Feb 24, 2017 -
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‘Are you the same guy who first called Mullingar the Gateway to Dublin?’
05:55 • Mar 12, 2016 -
‘I make sure to just say it in my mind. Because that’s being a good husband'
06:08 • Mar 4, 2016 -
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Sorcha hasn't touched her chicken
06:08 • Oct 30, 2015 -
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Seedless in Seattle Extract Four
04:46 • Sep 14, 2015 -
Seedless in Seattle Extract Three
07:03 • Sep 14, 2015 -
‘His dog just bit me,’ Honor goes. ‘Get up off your knees. We’re going to the Gords’
06:16 • Aug 21, 2015 -
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - JPs old man
06:32 • Jul 24, 2015 -
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - I've genuinely never seen Sorcha so angry ...
06:21 • Jul 3, 2015 -
Ross O Carroll Kelly (20th June)
06:35 • Jun 19, 2015 -
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (June 13th)
05:49 • Jun 11, 2015 -
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‘We caught the so-called SUV avenger tonight, in the actual act!’
06:48 • Jul 14, 2023 -
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'I’m a big believer in overpraising my children. Never did me any horm as a kid'
05:51 • Oct 7, 2022 -
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Girls, if Johnny Sexton was here, he’d tell you – you are never, ever beaten
06:52 • Mar 17, 2023 -
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‘What if the SUV Avenger turned out to be your daughter, Sorcha?’
06:11 • Jun 30, 2023 -
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‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’
06:37 • Jan 16, 2026 -
This is my son now – north Dublin’s leading wine snob
06:55 • Oct 21, 2025 -
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‘Look me in the eye, Rosser. Did you hab sex with my wife that neet?’
05:54 • Jun 2, 2017 -
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‘I push the stick towards him with what resembles a dead rat on the end of it’
06:16 • Apr 7, 2017 -
‘Goys, this is Tayto Pork!’ The triplets’ faces light up’
05:38 • Aug 24, 2018 -
I look fantastic for a man of 42, abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows
07:08 • Jul 29, 2022 -
‘I love Honor’s attitude. Not everyone does, but I’d be a major, major fan’
07:20 • Jun 10, 2022 -
‘You focking idiot, Ross! Chocolate is poisonous to dogs’
06:31 • Apr 16, 2022 -
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‘That’ll teach him to challenge the Rossmeister to a mickey-swinging contest’
06:37 • Jul 3, 2020 -
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Rezoning Dalkey for affordable housing? The natives are up in orms
07:10 • Feb 11, 2022 -
‘I lead the boys at gunpoint up the Shelbourne Road’
06:35 • Nov 13, 2021 -
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‘I know deep down she actually hates that I’m the cool parent’
06:04 • May 10, 2019 -
‘Let’s just say the match is not a good advertisement for rugby’
06:30 • Apr 5, 2019 -
‘Just because people are vulnerable doesn’t mean they’re not taking the piss’
06:56 • Nov 2, 2018 -
‘You grew up in south Dublin, but it’s like you arrived from space an hour ago’
06:05 • Oct 19, 2018 -
‘I’d rather rip out my molars with a pliers than holiday in Ireland again’
06:08 • Jul 2, 2021 -
‘You’ve massively disimproved with age ... The big, fat rugby head on you’
06:24 • Jun 26, 2021 -
‘Schoolbooks shmoolbooks ... I didn’t do a tap at school and look at me’
06:04 • Nov 11, 2022 -
‘I’m not having a Terenure College Christmas tree in the house’
05:57 • Dec 2, 2022 -
‘The hosepipe ban isn’t for People Like Us. It’s only €125’
06:15 • Jul 13, 2018 -
'I'm close to cracking up and we're not even on the runway yet'
06:23 • Jun 29, 2018 -
‘Ross, this was my sliding doors moment. And I made the wrong choice’
06:35 • Jan 5, 2024 -
'I'm morking the 20th anniversary of failing my test for the first time'
05:59 • Jun 23, 2018 -
‘I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s’
06:07 • Apr 21, 2023 -
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I wake up on Sunday morning thinking, am I having one of my famous erotic dreams?
06:18 • Nov 17, 2023 -
The SUV Avenger has slashed the tyres on Sorcha’s cor
06:48 • Jun 24, 2023 -
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‘All these years, I’ve taken the rap for being the unfaithful one’
06:14 • Feb 9, 2018 -
I’m 43. Andy Farrell would want to be pretty focking desperate for a 10 to pick me
06:01 • Mar 27, 2023 -
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I want this school to be a conveyor belt of women’s rugby talent
06:24 • Mar 3, 2023 -
What a day . . . I’ll just send a quick congrats text to Johnny Sexton
06:20 • Mar 21, 2023 -
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Here we are on the roof of the house, vaping away to our horts’ content
06:02 • Apr 14, 2023 -
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‘When Dricmas falls on a weekend, people are entitled to the Monday off’
06:11 • Jan 19, 2018 -
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‘Sorcha Lalor, you were the best Dalkey Lobster Festival Queen we ever had’
06:55 • Aug 26, 2022 -
‘They want us to vacate this place so they can use it as a love shack?’
06:02 • Sep 18, 2020 -
The neighbours have visions of the Vico Road turning into Morbella
06:33 • Nov 18, 2022 -
‘Just because I’m a serial liar doesn’t mean that I can’t be trusted’
05:58 • Sep 9, 2022 -
'It’s Halloween week and we’re living in a house that’s, like, haunted – literally'
06:08 • Oct 28, 2022 -
Noah is graduating from creche. (Who the fock is Noah?)
07:04 • Jul 1, 2022 -
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"I’m having Vietnam-style flashbacks here"
06:24 • Sep 24, 2021 -
‘Fifty grandingtons!’ – that’s the cost of the Budapest hair clinic
06:10 • Feb 25, 2022 -
‘Andrea Shotton called me maskier than thou,’ Sorcha goes
06:22 • Jan 7, 2022 -
‘Oh, please, God, no. I can’t become a father again at, like, 42’
06:52 • Dec 31, 2021 -
‘My antigen is still positive, but I’ve never felt better’
06:53 • Apr 29, 2022 -
Sorcha is still serious about knocking gaff and turning it into aportments
07:07 • Jun 4, 2022 -
'Just because we have money, we can't keep Killiney all to ourselves'
06:53 • Feb 18, 2022 -
‘I want you to, like, Insta-story my Covid test journey’
06:23 • Jul 30, 2021 -
‘You lifted the Leinster Schools Senior Cup – does that mean nothing to you now’
06:01 • Mar 4, 2022 -
Sorcha injures her foot, while Honor makes a shocking discovery
06:27 • Dec 18, 2021 -
The Christmas cards are out, but a problem arises
06:15 • Dec 10, 2021 -
‘Fifteen rooms is a lot to put down.’
05:48 • Apr 11, 2022 -
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Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘I can’t go bald. I’m 41 – but I’m, like, a young 41?’
06:39 • Oct 15, 2021 -
‘You are not giving me a combover’
06:05 • Oct 22, 2021 -
'He dresses like shop security from the 1980s'
05:44 • Jun 23, 2017 -
‘You see, the 50-person limit has made Mass tickets a hot commodity’
06:16 • Jul 11, 2020 -
‘They brought a corvery dinner to my room!’
06:33 • Apr 30, 2021 -
‘I want a Christmas that Tony Holohan would approve of’
06:34 • Dec 18, 2020 -
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‘Críost on a rothar. It looks like Chorlie Haughey’
06:29 • Jan 24, 2020 -
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‘It’s a shame it took a global pandemic to get Ross to keep it in his trousers’
06:30 • May 22, 2020 -
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‘Sold to the man in the Ireland jersey with a bowtie tied around his neck!’
06:29 • Feb 15, 2020 -
‘I know every mork on the floor, the walls and the ceiling of this bor’
06:22 • Jan 29, 2021 -
‘The judge tells us – in, like, legal language – to shut the fock up’
07:01 • Mar 26, 2021 -
‘Why am I driving a shit cor? Because rugby is no longer a guarantee of anything’
05:54 • Feb 23, 2018 -
‘One of your Three Wise Men stuck his middle finger up at me’
06:10 • Dec 4, 2020 -
‘Oh, right – you’re one of these maskier-than-thou people’
06:12 • Oct 2, 2020 -
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‘Gout? What the fock is gout? And please don’t say it’s caused by rugby’
06:04 • Mar 15, 2019 -
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‘Ross,’ the old man goes, ‘I’m afraid I’ve made a dreadful mistake!’
06:02 • Oct 9, 2020 -
‘We’re fine up here, Ross. I just can’t imagine this thing coming to Foxrock’
06:07 • Apr 3, 2020 -
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My sons take after me in their love of being surrounded by admiring females
06:03 • Sep 14, 2018 -
‘I want this to be as big as the Statue of bloody well Liberty!”’
06:08 • Jan 31, 2020 -
‘Ross, you can’t hold a note. I don’t want you embarrassing yourself’
05:49 • Dec 20, 2019 -
‘Ross, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Your mother is on Tinder’
06:11 • Mar 14, 2020 -
‘Mount Anville took out a High Court injunction banning me from their debs one year’
06:11 • Oct 21, 2016 -
Schmidt Happens: Excerpt Three
05:03 • Aug 29, 2019 -
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Seedless in Seattle Extract Five
09:18 • Sep 14, 2015 -
‘Dad, you can shove your offer. I’m going to sit the Leaving Cert’
06:43 • May 15, 2020 -
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‘I put Leinster on the Census form as my religion’
06:08 • May 7, 2016 -
'Oh my God', Honor goes, 'there's a focking horse in the gorden!'
05:59 • Nov 15, 2019 -
Isn’t everyone wearing a kimono to watch the rugby?
06:16 • Sep 20, 2019 -
‘I wouldn’t be shocked if she was running a meth lab out of her bedroom’
05:42 • Jul 26, 2019 -
‘Ross, from this morning, you’re going to be home-schooling Honor.’ I laugh out loud
06:39 • Mar 27, 2020 -
‘Munster didn’t beat the All Blacks in 1978. This video proves it’
06:39 • Oct 18, 2019 -
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"You’re a camel hair coat away from being your grandfather, Ro"
05:35 • Jan 10, 2020 -
Schmidt Happens: Excerpt One
09:50 • Aug 27, 2019 -
'My meal was served on a 1986 edition of the 01 phone directory'
05:49 • Oct 1, 2019 -
‘How does another dog plus five grand sound?’
06:10 • Sep 6, 2019 -
‘He was basically saying I’m Leinster and Ireland’s unsung hero’
05:33 • May 18, 2018 -
‘I’m not posting bail for Conor McGregor. He dresses better than I do’
05:20 • Apr 13, 2018 -
‘While I hate lying to him, that’s my job as a parent’
05:46 • Jun 14, 2019 -
‘A brain like tiramisu.’ ‘Multi-layered?’ ‘No, soft and full of custard’
05:57 • Nov 5, 2017 -
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Honor leaves Love Island to admit to driving the cor
06:03 • Jun 21, 2019 -
'I don't mind being buried in Deansgrange. It's a good address'
06:10 • May 3, 2019 -
‘We would have beaten you with or without Fr Fehily’s doping programme’
05:54 • Mar 8, 2019 -
‘It’s coke, Rosser.’ I’m there, ‘Well I knew it wasn’t Shake n’Vac’
05:36 • Jul 12, 2019 -
'How does this sound: The O’Carroll-Kelly Institute of Rugby!'
06:28 • Jan 18, 2019 -
Dancing with the Tsars Excerpt #4
06:45 • Sep 7, 2018 -
I’m remembering Fr Fehily hyped up to fever pitch after listening to his Hitler 45s
06:16 • Mar 22, 2019 -
"There’s a lot of Oh! My! God!s – even by normal South Dublin standards"
05:55 • Aug 10, 2018 -
Kielys of Donnybrook could be lost forever
06:07 • Apr 27, 2018 -
This is getting ridiculous. It’s like being on a spa weekend with Sorcha
05:59 • Feb 5, 2016 -
‘I’m sorry for crying. It’s just my brain feels like it’s turning into paté’
06:25 • Nov 30, 2018 -
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‘Public transport is for the poor and fallen’
05:39 • Aug 11, 2017 -
'Unless it's escaped your attention, I'm a complete moron'
06:21 • Jun 16, 2018 -
Dancing with the Tsars Excerpt #1
10:08 • Sep 4, 2018 -
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‘I have to say my year in UCD was possibly the happiest three months of my life’
06:13 • Oct 27, 2017 -
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The old dear goes: ‘I will never forgive you for this, Ross’
06:15 • Sep 8, 2017 -
‘I hear someone blubbing and I suddenly realise it’s me’
06:02 • Jun 30, 2017 -
‘Don’t forget to leave a very, very large gin and tonic out for, ahem, Rudolph!’
06:25 • Dec 15, 2017 -
‘You don’t discriminate. You’re a complete pig to absolutely everyone’
05:32 • Nov 24, 2017 -
‘I have no prejudices. Except people who aren’t from Dublin’
05:34 • Nov 17, 2017 -
‘The old man is making a complete orse of himself’
06:26 • Dec 9, 2016 -
‘It still hasn’t dawned on Sorcha that Honor is the wrong crowd’
05:57 • Aug 25, 2017 -
"It’s like if Tarantino directed Wind in the Willows"
06:06 • May 12, 2017 -
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RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 2
04:55 • Aug 29, 2016 -
‘I thought Pythagoras was something the Greeks dipped their bread in'
05:25 • Jan 20, 2017 -
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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (May 30th)
05:55 • Jun 11, 2015 -
He smiles with the same smile he uses when choosing his lobster in Cavistons
06:26 • Jan 29, 2016 -
“Ireland won alright. Which means we’re into the semi-finals of the World Cup!”
06:06 • Oct 23, 2015 -
I should report you – underfloor heating is a human right
06:07 • Sep 18, 2015 -
We can hear them chanting through the walls of the dressing room
06:10 • Aug 26, 2016 -
‘I can’t wait to see Denis O’Brien wipe the floor with you in the High Court'
06:00 • Apr 15, 2016 -
I’m the porty spokesperson on Gender Issues
06:38 • Nov 20, 2015 -
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly - You know that smell
05:53 • Jul 10, 2015 -
‘I find myself standing on Vico Road, hand on the wall, throwing my breakfast up’
06:07 • Jun 24, 2016 -
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I genuinely feel like grabbing that wig right now and focking it in the Liffey
06:53 • Mar 16, 2017 -
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I’m here to watch Denis O’Brien wipe the floor with you.”
06:31 • Mar 10, 2017 -
‘I wouldn’t be any kind of best man if I didn’t try to persuade you'
05:47 • Nov 25, 2016 -
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RO'CK Game of Throw-ins Extract 3
10:45 • Aug 29, 2016 -
‘The last time JP had his hand on a breast, it came out of a bucket’
06:33 • Mar 25, 2016 -
“A lot of children are just born that way – they’re d**kheads.”
05:44 • Oct 16, 2015 -
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I haven’t heard the word pronoun since I sat the Junior Cert’
06:12 • Mar 18, 2016 -
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Ross O'Carroll Kelly: ‘Why would I want to date you? I’m already married to you.’
05:38 • Jun 26, 2015 -
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I just don’t consider it a sport. It’s like watching CCTV footage of a fight
06:18 • Dec 18, 2015 -
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Seedless in Seattle Extract One
08:08 • Sep 12, 2015 -
Ross, we need to take Pang to the Beacon – right now
06:06 • Nov 13, 2015 -
‘I got thrun out of Amedica,’ Ronan goes. ‘Me visa was revoked’
07:11 • Aug 8, 2025 -
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‘I didn’t do a tap in school and yet life worked out pretty well for me’
06:05 • Sep 12, 2025 -
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‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’
06:09 • Nov 7, 2025 -
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‘I think you should have a conversation with Honor about her drinking,’ Sorcha goes
05:59 • Aug 15, 2025 -
‘You were mugged in Dalkey? Things like that don’t happen there’
06:02 • Sep 19, 2025 -
‘There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–’
05:50 • Jan 9, 2026 -
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‘We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now’
06:03 • Jan 30, 2026 -
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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
The Irish Times